I'm dead tired. combined lecture hours for the past two days was 13 freaking long hours. my brain is dead. i just walked in the drizzle. i had to carry with me, three modules worth of lecture notes for this sem. my back almost broke and my fingers nearly dropped off due to lack of blood circulation. its so tempting to just flop onto my bed and sleep. but i felt the need to type this out after reading ur blog, ur entry.

let me just reinforce the fact that this entry is not a matter of pointing fingers and blaming the entire fault on you. neither is it an entry to say i'm completely right. i wanna make it known to you, that i love you as a friend and i do care. i'm not dropping u like that, and i dun understand all ur hatred.

you asked me a simple question, and for the very first time, i thought i shd be very truthful. not that i've been lying in the past, just that sometimes, we tend to say nice things in order not to hurt each other's feelings. i know how it feels, coz i'm sure i'm pretty unbearable at times and some ppl are simple tolerating my nonsense. you asked me, i answered, why is it that it made the situation so awkward for the both of us?

i dun deny the fact that i dislike jasby. i have never liked her. i think the feeling is mutual. call me a bitch, call me spoilt, call me anything u want, i wouldn't have tolerated her if not for u. you think its fun to endure sarcasm thrown directly at ur face and u still have to smile at that person? you think it feels good seeing her screw up ur life REPEATEDLY and not able to do anything?

i know, love. its okie to me if u decide to be with her. seriously, i dun really think any of our problems have anything to do with her. neither do u have to divide ur time between us, because we would never get along. she's someone u chosen and i respect that decision. just that u can't be pleasing both sides at the same time. and u shdn't be too hard on urself on this problem.

i'm not going to blame u for shutting me out of ur problems. i understand how hard it is for u to trust a person and to relate ur problems. i've grown used to it. dun interpret it as sarcasm once again, its more like, i know i wouldn't get anything out of it and there's no point forcing u to talk. you became so detached with everyone else, and with ppl like ezu and flynn telling me how scary u seem, its quite worrying. of coz, with my exams and op, i didn't get to see you that often and maybe u find it even harder to relate to me. but u were so cold towards me too, u agree? a cheery goodmorning sms and u replied with ur deadly tone. its was such a complete turnoff.

i have no idea what's going on, really. you wanna hate me, go ahead. u wanna be friends, i'm always here. i'm too tired to go on explaining myself. because it seems like whatever i do or say is always inappropriate.

but look, it was just an innocent truthful answer to ur question. i answered in the capacity of ur good friend to the question u threw at me. wats up with ur anger and flaring up and hatred? i'm not trying to act angelic here. but u shd noe how simple minded i am. i just speak and answer, with no evil intentions. ur response surprised me, and the most hurting sentence i've heard from u several times is "i didn't expect this from you". i dunno what made u said that...i just felt we have drifted and that i didn't feel the same anymore.

do u lose ur patience this easily with jasby too? or is the power of our friendship that insignificant as compared to love? sometimes i just feel, it isn't fair to me too.

we have hurt each other, and things are never going to be the same. i dunno how is it gonna turn out, but i have to say i'm really sorry that i hurt your feelings.

you have never lost ur place as one of my greatest pal in my life. and the one whom i took 2o years to find. a bad start to 2006 doesn't necessarily mean it would be terrible thruout the year. good luck for the year ahead.

the feeling is so terrible, i just wanna go somewhere to clear out my thoughts.