You know how it is to supress everything inside, and just when you thought you had succeeded in doing it, you were proven wrong.

Perhaps reading that entry was a mistake. it opened up the whole drawer of memories and emotions. and confused me of what my heart is telling me whilst executing what my head is commanding.

Seriously, i didn't know what was that for. Was it a test of reactions or is it because you still care?

It took me months to convince myself i've gotten over with it. and it took me a couple more to actually hardened whatever i've left inside of me to be still standing cheery today. i dun care if i lied to myself and i dunno why you had to do it to me. I can't bring myself to ask, to question, or even show that i bother. cause i know i will falter. i will be walking in circles, not knowing the truth and continue wallowing in my own misery. I was no longer entitled all the misses and the longing, because it had been put to a stop. Do you know how it feels, to speculate, only to conclude things that could forever only be mere speculations?

Wouldn't a girl want to know the truth? what happened? who doesn't? I'm sorry but thats just too unlikely of me. I have given you the trust that every decision you made is right, for you, for me, for us. Hence i didnt probe. There were just so many times i wanted to, but i stopped myself. i just had to save myself the remaining pride that i have left, to make looking back not as painful as it should be. I have a passive character. its in me. Whatever that is expect of a girl, of me, I can't deliver. Its not that i'm unwilling to. i just can't do it. I hope you will realise how hard it is, for me to be sitting here and typing this out tonight. I dun want to continue living this lie. i want to be able to reread that post over and over again and not feel disturbed by it.

I've loved. I've cared. I've missed. I still do. I've been telling myself to supressed it until i saw unfair accusations. if i dont care, then have you? in the first place, did you? i dunno how much you can make out of my incoherent writing, even i dunno wat i am writting anymore....